What does being in a healthy relationship mean?

All relationships are different. What works for some couples won’t work for others. You might have strong opinions on what makes a healthy relationship that differ from your teenager’s. And a relationship may not be unhealthy just because you disapprove. A healthy relationship is one where there is respect, trust and honesty. Where someone is free to have their own friends and interests without being controlled or coerced in any way. 

While some relationships don’t work because people aren’t right for each other, it doesn’t mean the relationship was ‘unhealthy’. And an unhealthy relationship isn’t only one where a partner is violent or abusive. When we talk about unhealthy relationships we also mean when a partner tries to control the other person. This could be through things like manipulation, threats, coercion, or withholding money.

Any relationship where one person is pressured into doing any sexual activity they don’t want to is also unhealthy. This could be anything from a particular sexual act to sending a nude picture. No one should feel they have to do something sexual in return for something else – and this includes so the other person will love them or not break up with them. Any relationship where one person is constantly belittled or has their needs and feelings dismissed is also unhealthy. 

Unhealthy relationships are usually about control. When one partner tries to control what the other person does, how they act, what they wear, who they can see, to how they spend their money. It can also relate to gender stereotypes when one person is expected to act a certain way because they are a girl or a boy. 

If you’re worried that your teen is in an unhealthy relationship, this can be very stressful. And it can be tricky to tell, as many of the signs are common behaviours that happen as children grow into teenagers, such as spending more time on their own, changing how they look and act, and having the odd angry outburst. 

But there is a difference between normal teenage behaviour and signs they are in an unhealthy relationship. 

Things to look out for are if:

• they are isolating themselves from family and friends.
• they have lost interest in things they usually enjoy.
• they are reluctant to go to school.
• they are constantly telling the other person where they are
• another person is controlling what they wear and who they see.

The most important thing to do if you think your teen is in an unhealthy relationship is to talk to them. Try not to be too intrusive or judgemental. They might not realise that the relationship is unhealthy or they might feel  ashamed or embarrassed. 

Calmly let them know your concerns and that you’re there to support them. If they don’t want to speak to you, let them know there are others they can talk to. It could be their teachers or another family member. 

There are places you can go for help and advice too. You can find more advice on the NSPCC website and the Childline website. You can also contact the NSPPC’s helpline on 0808 800 500, or call Children First's support line on 0800 28 22 23, or call Childline on 0800 1111.

Social media and messaging apps can make children and young people feel as if they need to always be available to reply to messages, take video calls, or like or comment on posts. Some young people will use location apps to know where there friends are, and so their friends know where they are. 

It’s important that your child realises that they have a choice here. They don’t have to have their location settings switched on (in fact it’s safer to have them switched off), and they can turn their phone off if they want to, or take their time to answer messages.

If children and young people (particularly girls) feel that being always available and being ‘watched’ is okay, this can make them vulnerable to being controlled by a partner.