Talking to your child about mental health

It’s a good idea to make talking with your child about feelings a regular thing. You don’t always have to talk about how they’re feeling – you could talk about how characters are feeling in their favourite books or TV shows. This will help make talking about feelings and mental health a natural part of everyday life.

Sometimes it’s easier to talk while you’re doing something else, so it may help to do an activity together that you both enjoy, like baking, drawing, walking or just watching a boxset. The YoungMinds website has some good ideas for activities you could try, as well as conversation starters and tips for supporting your child.

Depending on their age, your child may find it hard to explain how they feel. You could try some simple exercises together, like using an 'emotions wheel' or even looking at the emojis on your phone and discussing what each one is feeling.

You could explain to your child that it’s okay to feel upset, angry, fed up, low or scared from time to time. These are normal feelings everyone has. But if these feelings don’t go away, they can build up inside and make us unhappy. Let them know that if their feelings get too big for them to manage or don’t go away, they should talk to you, or someone else they trust, like a grandparent, aunt or uncle, a teacher or a friend.

You could compare it to physical health – if they scrape their knee, it’s natural for it to feel sore for a wee while. But if it carries on feeling sore for a long time, they should tell someone and maybe go and see the doctor.

With so much going on in our daily lives, focusing your full attention on one thing can be hard. But it’ll really help them open up if you can listen to what they have to say without interrupting or getting side-tracked. Our page on encouraging your child to confide in you has more tips for talking and listening that may help.

Again, it can help to think of it in the same way as physical injury: if they scraped their knee you would stop what you were doing to clean the wound, put a plaster on it and give them a hug. So if their feelings are hurting, take time to listen to them and reassure them.

This animation from the Anna Freud Centre helps children understand what mental health is and the difference between every day small feelings and a big feeling. It also helps them understand how to be a good listener. You could try watching it together and having a chat about it. You can also download a booklet from the Anna Freud Centre with more advice.

Squeezing some little things into your daily routine to boost your family’s mental health can make a big difference. This could be going for a walk and getting some fresh air, playing together or doing some calming breathing exercises. This calendar suggests some daily 5 minute mindful activities you could try together. This self-care kit from the NHS also has lots of nice ideas.

If you can, create a space in your home where you and your child can be calm and peaceful. It doesn’t need to be a big space – it could just be a box or a corner behind the sofa. You could keep soothing sensory items there, like a stress ball to squeeze, a fidget spinner or popping toy, a soft blanket or some colouring books and pencils – if you decide together what you’d like to put there this will make it more fun for your child. Most importantly, you could keep other distractions (like your phone) out!

Your child will pick up on the way you talk about mental health and emotions. So if you’re dismissive of mental health issues or use disparaging words like ‘nutcase’ and ‘looney’, you’ll give your child the impression that you don’t care and don’t take mental health issues seriously. This will make them less likely to come to you with any concerns.

First up, how are you feeling? If you’re feeling a bit fragile or anxious it might be an idea to talk to a friend first and chat through what you’re going to say.

If you or another member of your family are ill (physically or mentally), it can be tempting to try and hide this from your child, to protect them. But children often notice more than we think, and not understanding what’s happening can make them more confused and worried than knowing the facts. So if you or another family member are struggling with your mental health, it’s best to explain this to your child in a straightforward way that’s appropriate for their age.

For example, if your child is very young you could talk about it in the same way as you would a physical illness: that you are poorly and need to take medicine, or have some quiet time or go away for a bit to get better. Or you could talk about ‘little feelings’ and ‘big feelings’ and watch the video from the Anna Freud Centre suggested above.

Let them know it’s okay to talk about it, and they can ask any questions they want to and you’ll do your best to answer them.

Mental health issues can sometimes make us act in ways that children can find alarming or upsetting – for example, if we shout, cry or become withdrawn. So it’s important to let your child know that it’s not their fault, it’s because you’re poorly, and you’re doing all you can to get better.

Encourage your child to be honest with you about how they feel about the situation, and if anything in particular is worrying or upsetting them. Or you could suggest that they talk to another trusted adult, like an aunt or uncle or their teacher – they may find it easier to talk to someone who isn’t so closely involved.

If certain things are worrying them, you could discuss how you can make things better together. If your child feels they have some choice, this will help them feel more in control of the situation.

For example, if an older child often has to look after their younger brothers or sisters a lot, maybe you could involve another family member or friend to help. If they’re upset because their daily life has become unpredictable, maybe you could take steps to introduce more of a stable routine, for example by sticking to regular meal times and bed times and making sure you have time to do things they enjoy.