Helping to break down gender stereotypes

Gender stereotypes can limit the feelings that boys and girls or men and women are expected to show. For example, it can be seen as ‘unmanly’ to talk about your feelings or to cry, but being angry and even aggressive is okay. Whereas girls are expected to be more in touch with their emotions, and to be more understanding of other people’s feelings, but aren’t meant to get angry. 

Repressing our feelings is bad for our mental health. It’s much better to be able to express how we feel in a way that doesn’t hurt ourselves or anyone else. This way we can deal with the feelings and move on, instead of letting them fester under the surface. 

So it’s important to talk to your children about their feelings and help them process them. Just getting into the habit of asking how they’re feeling every day can help open up the conversation. If you have a girl and a boy, make sure both are given an opportunity to open up.

Sometimes it can be hard to understand why we’re feeling the way we feel. Feelings often have physical ‘side effects’ – like feeling sick if we’re nervous or fizzing inside if we’re excited. So it might help to talk to your child about their physical feelings and then see if they can work out why they may feel like that.

Here are some resources that can help: 

• For little ones, these videos from CBeebies are really helpful. 
• This animation from the Anna Freud Centre helps children understand what mental health is and the difference between every day small feelings and a big feeling. You could try watching it together and having a chat about it. You can also download a booklet from the Anna Freud Centre with more advice.

You can also download parents’ resources from the RSHP (Relationships, Sexual Health and Parenthood) website. These explain what your child is learning in school about their body, relationships and their emotions and how you can support this at home. They also include suggestions of books you can read together.

• Early Years – nursery and P1
• P2 – P4
• P5 – P7

It’s important for children to understand that, everyone feels uncomfortable emotions like being anxious, scared, angry, jealous or sad at some point. What matters is how we deal with these emotions. Let them know that they can always talk to you about how they’re feeling, and that this is much better than showing how they feel by being aggressive or hiding their feelings.

Chat to your child about the good qualities they admire in other people. Help them understand that anyone can be brave, kind, loyal, caring, strong, funny or clever – these qualities aren’t limited to one gender. Always try to praise children for the same things, rather than praising boys for doing well at sport and standing up for themselves, and girls for being pretty and clever.

Try to set a good example by not talking about things like toys, clothes, hobbies, jobs, films or behaviours as ‘for girls’ and ‘for boys’. Children pick up on casual comments like ‘that haircut makes her look like a boy’ or ‘why did he decide to take up ballet?’ and it all helps them build up a picture of what girls and boys should and shouldn’t look like or do.

This list from the Scottish Book Trust suggests picture books you can read with your child that challenge gender stereotypes in lots of different ways. This list suggests books for older children featuring inspiring female characters. Why not have a look in your local library together to see what you can find?

You could also think about who does what in your home. If mum does all the cooking, cleaning and family admin (like remembering birthdays and making doctor’s appointments) while dad does the DIY, maybe you could shake things up a bit?

Likewise, do your daughter and son have different chores from each other? Does one of your children have fewer chores to do? 

Try not to assume that boys will want to play with footballs and action toys and girls will want dolls and tea sets. It’s great for children to play with a range of different things – and they don’t need to be new and expensive either. Building a rocket ship from cardboard boxes or making a drum kit out of biscuit tins can be just as fun as playing with the latest gadget and is brilliant for firing their imaginations.

Help them challenge the differences between ‘boys’ clothes’ and ‘girls’ clothes’ we see in shops. Boys’ clothes tend to feature machines, monsters and predators, while girls’ clothes feature soft, cute things like rabbits and flowers. But why shouldn’t a girl wear a blue dinosaur hoodie, or a boy wear a pink unicorn onesie?

Instead of spending a fortune on ready-made princess or superhero costumes, try creating a dressing up box full of cheap fabric and cast off adult clothes. That way, they can use their imaginations to come up with their own costumes. An old towel can be a cape, a shirt can become a dress, and some tights can be a wig!

Some children get very set ideas about which sports it’s okay for them to play. As girls grow up, they can drop out of sports altogether because they don’t feel comfortable taking part. So try to challenge these ideas when you can. 

For example, if they say things like ‘only boys can play football’, try showing them some clips of female footballers on YouTube and they might change their minds! 

Try to avoid using phrases that put down girls or boys, and challenge your children if you hear them using this kind of language. For example, they may say that someone ‘throws like a girl’ as an insult, or a boy might be told to ‘man up’ if he’s upset or crying.

If you hear your children saying things like ‘girls can’t be astronauts’ and ‘boys can’t be nurses’, ask them why they think that, and then have a chat about it.

We sometimes let boys get away with behaving aggressively or violently by saying things like ‘boys will be boys’. But this lets boys get away with behaviour that wouldn’t be tolerated in girls, and leads them to think that being aggressive is okay, or a means to getting their own way. 

So if your boy behaves aggressively – for example, deliberately breaks things or hits you or another child – don’t let them get away with it. Talk to them calmly and firmly about how their behaviour is not okay. You could also suggest other things they could do if they’re feeling angry to get rid of the feelings, like moving their body to work out the energy, going for a run, or doing some breathing exercises.

Our page on keeping calm with your child has more tips.