Talking and listening to your teen

Being there for your teen and letting them know they can talk to you is one of the best ways you can support them. Make sure you have some time together when you can give them your full attention. It could be in the evening after any younger kids have gone to bed. It could be when you’re doing something else together, such as walking, cooking or driving somewhere. The YoungMinds website has some good suggestions for things you can do together that also give you a chance to talk.

It’s important that your teenager feels they can talk to you. That there’s a safe space where they won’t get in trouble or be laughed at. It might help them open up if you talk about your own feelings. You don’t have to share all your worries with them. But by opening up to them, they’ll see that it’s good to talk about how you feel.

You could try opening with a change you’ve seen in their behaviour: “I’ve noticed you’ve really been keeping to yourself a lot recently. How are you feeling? Can I help with anything?” This leaflet from SAMH has useful information about starting a conversation about feelings.

Taking an interest in the things they like can help them open up. It’s a good way to start up a conversation, but it also shows them that you care about the things that interest them.

Teens can sometimes be a bit self-centred, so when you’re talking to them about something that’s happened or the way they behaved towards someone, try and discuss how this might have made the person feel. This can help them to see things from other people’s perspectives.

Sometimes the best thing to do is just to listen. Don’t always be ready to jump in with solutions or offer your point of view. Sometimes your teenager might just want a sympathetic ear to listen to them and accept and understand what they have to say.

Teenage drama might feel so…teenage. But just because it sounds silly to you doesn’t mean it isn’t very real to them. Don’t belittle their problems even if they sound trivial to you. If you do, they might not want to talk to you about their problems again.

You could also try talking to them about your own teenage experiences. They might learn something from your past mistakes. And you might remember how you felt when you were going through similar things. Or at least they can have a laugh at your fashion sense!

Try not to let your discussions descend into arguments. It’s important to listen to their opinions and respect them – even if you don’t agree with them. So instead of dismissing their views or shutting them down, try asking them why they think or feel like that. This way, you've more chance of having a discussion or debate, rather than a row.

If they’re really upset or emotional about something, explain that these feelings are completely normal. And that it's also normal to feel overwhelmed sometimes. This can help them understand that they’re in the same boat as lots of other teens.

However, it’s also important that they know there’s a time and a place and a way of expressing these emotions, so they don’t upset other family members or friends. This page from YoungMinds has advice on helping teens deal with angry emotions positively.

It can be tempting to discuss your teen with other friends or family members. But unless you need advice or support, try not to. It could break down the trust between you, and stop your teen confiding in you again.

If you do need to talk to a friend or family member about your teen, you could ask for their permission first, and then ask the person you talk to not to tell anyone else.

No matter how well you get on, they won’t want to tell you everything. As long as they don’t seem distressed, you don’t need to press them for information they don’t want to give you. Having their own secrets is all part of growing up and becoming independent. Did you tell your parents everything when you were a teen?

No matter what your teen tells you, do your best to stay calm. If you get upset or angry, they might not confide in you again. By keeping calm, you’re also showing them a good example, so they can learn to do this themselves.

Our page on coping with parenting when you're raising a teen has tips for helping you stay calm.

However solid your relationship is, there are things they might not want to talk to you about. There may even be things that you just can’t help with. If this is the case, there are lots of other options available to them.

Young Scot's Aye Feel hub has lots of information for young people how to look after their emotional wellbeing, support from organisations around Scotland and tips on how to promote a positive mindset. They could also call Childline, Breathing Space or the Samaritans to talk to someone anonymously.